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[ It was always easier to act like he was above shit like being attracted to people when he was acting as a pure AI backup for Carolina. He wasn't organic, didn't have to deal with hormones and chemicals making him act like a huge fucking asshole who got stupid over other people. Even when thought about Tex it was kind of a distant sad longing, a remnant of the parts of him that were the Director and Alpha. He'd let go of that. Or at least that's what he thought. Not that he was a total emotionless asshole; he had his friends and even if they were all morons most of he still cared about them. Tucker and Caboose were his team. And even the reds weren't that bad.

That's why he tried to delete himself, one last fragmentation to keep them all alive because he'd run the numbers and every time they all died unless he did. It didn't make dying feel any less awful knowing it was the last time but knowing that the guys would make it out alive was good enough. He was ready to rest.

Except the universe apparently can't stand to let Leonard L Church stay dead.

He's found at one of the many temples on Chorus almost a month after the battle on the Staff of Charon, unconscious in a set of blue armor. Only this time there's an actual human body inside of it instead of a robotic frame. The temple made him is a perfect sim trooper body right down to the neural implant at the base of his neck. It's one of the things that makes Dr. Grey take him seriously when he tells her who he is. In the end she calls in Captain Tucker to the field hospital where Epsilon is being held. They confiscated his armor in case he was a remnant of the Charon forces and left in in a tent wearing just a pair of fatigues that they had on hand.

And that's where Tucker will find him when he arrives, sitting in a tent with a cheap paperback one of the medics had given him when he kept complaining he was bored. ]

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[If there was any question that it was Church, the endless bitching would have confirmed it.

Tucker had kept busy after that battle; the end of a war was surprisingly just as time-consuming as the actual war itself. Injured people needed mending, buildings needed repairing, supplies needed replenishing, the dead…the dead needed to be buried. Tucker hadn’t wanted to do any of it, but it was better than sitting and trying to answer Caboose’s endless questions about Church, which only had a way of bringing to surface the Shit He Didn’t Want To Think About. So while work was usually one thing he avoided like crazy, someone had to do this shit and why not him?

For a month, shit was busy but simple. Empty, too, but he tried to fill it with the other stuff around him. It didn’t work, but what else could he do? Church – in whatever iteration – had always been there to bitch at, to complain with, to do the most inane shit with, to just sit and talk about nothing; it was …weird not to have that. He tried with Grif, but it wasn’t the same. And Wash? Wash was another beast entirely.

But then he heard something, heard—fucking heard the impossible (a fact that wasn’t exactly impossible; look at how many times the asshole had come back already), but this was different if the rumors were true. Fucking human. Not a robot. Not an AI. Fucking…alive.

Tucker stood in the tent’s entrance with his eyes wide, no armor, just fatigues, just all that surprisereliefanger on his face. Fuck. Fuck, it was really him, and every goddamn time Church had bailed came rushing back to him.]

You… You asshole. [And Tucker could punch him this time. He could and he’d feel it, so his hand curled into a fist at his side as he started to stalk forward.]

What the fuck was that?! Where the fuck have you been for a goddamn month!?

[Why did you kill yourself? Why the fuck did you leave us again, just like the goddamn Alpha!?]

[ Anything smart he was about to say when Tucker walked in died when Church saw his face. 'Miss me, asshole?' It's hard to get the words out when he's looking at his best friend who looks ready to punch his stupid new face in. He scrambles out of his chair as Tucker moves forward, heart pounding in his chest. Which was a new sensation, actually. Even in the memory unit when he'd had a make believe body he hadn't gotten nervous enough to feel his heart rate spike.

Being human is going to suck. ]

How would I fucking know where I've been?! I thought I was done and then I wake up in some goddamn alien temple with a New Republic soldier pointing a gun at my face!

[ He was supposed to be dead, no more second chances or outs but the world kept dragging him back. The reality of it hits him like a sack of bricks. He killed himself and Tucker was staring at him like he was going to break him in half. ]

I was trying to keep you guys alive!

We didn’t ask you to!

[But on some funda-fucking-mental level, he got it. Tucker understood because he would have done the same thing, knew that Wash would have done the same thing, that any of them would have (except Grif…maybe). They all would have given their lives for the other idiots in the party, but—

But Tucker was sick of it, sick of being left behind, of him walking away, of getting stationed elsewhere and stupid redemption missions. He was sick of Church dying and leaving him to deal with the fucking feelings that came after. The grief, the anger, the pain…

His hands shook at his side; he really didn’t get how fucking Church was here. It was supposed to be over, and he thought…thought “Ain’t that a bitch” was the final words that would echo in his fucking head for all of time, but nope. Goddamn cockroach and he was so glad, so happy for it but--

All of it culminated, all those feelings, those worries, that pain and anger and bullshit, into this single moment, this single heartbeat. Tucker didn’t think as he swung his fist, as he punched him because what better way to thank your best friend for sacrificing himself for you than striking his brand new stupid face?]

Didn’t we get a vote on what we fucking wanted!? [And still at the same, loud and angry volume.] Thank you, you goddamn cockbite! […but he did actually mean that ‘thank you’, Church. It was sincere, regardless of how it was shouted.]

[ For a split second when Tucker's threw his punch that Epsilon tried to reach for the AI part of himself that could slow down time so he could process things better. Except that part of him is gone because he's human and Tucker's fist connected with his face without any chance to try and move out of the way. The punch connected with his jaw sending him to the ground like a rag doll. He stayed there as Tucker yelled at him more. There was a taste of something metallic in his mouth and recognized it as blood after a moment.

Blood. Like he was a goddamn person. He must have bit his tongue when Tucker punched him, though he can't really tell when half his face was still throbbing with a unified pain. Being punched sucked!

He spat out some blood onto the floor and stared up at Tucker spitefully. ]

You're fucking welcome! And guess what, shitlicker! I'd do it again if I had to!

[Of course he fucking would. Of course, because that's what teammates did.

That's what friends did.

They also punched each other in the face. Oh, Church, Tucker remembered all that gloating every time he tried he hit you, only to sail through nothingness. How did it feel now? Fuck, how did pain feel in general, that bright burst and the cry of hundreds of nerves in a single song? Tucker's hand throbbed, hurting as he shook it out at his side, but it was worth it. Hell, by his count, he had at least another six to give.]

Fuck you! I don't want your selfless self-sacrificing bullshit! [Even if it was what kept them alive. Even if the alternative would have been capture at best, death at worst, and Epsilon becoming a tool for Hargrove. There had been no way out of it, and the fight edged out of his shoulders as they dropped slowly. It was stupid, yelling these nice things back and forth, but fuck it was them. It was how they did things. It was their normal.

Rolling his eyes, he held out his hand. The first time he can actually touch Epsilon, and it's to punch him. Seemed about right.] Come on, asshole. We need to get ice on that so it doesn't bruise. Welcome to being a fucking human being, jerk.

You are such an asshole. [ Regardless of the pain in his jaw he doesn't hesitate to take the hand offered out to him. And now back on his feet there was one glaring problem as he looked at Tucker from his new point of view.

Motherfucker was taller than him. By several inches. He hadn't noticed when he was trying (unsuccessfully) to not get punched but goddammit having to tip his head back even a little pissed him off. Alpha wasn't this short. ]

Just so you know, it fucking sucks. I meant it when I said synthetic bodies for life.

[ Lopez was going to be so betrayed by being the only non-organic left again- He stumbled to a stop as the reality that no one had told him anything about the others. Not even Carolina. They just called Tucker. ]

...I didn't screw up, right? You guys got out of there? [ Where was Carolina? Where was Caboose? ]

[Hey, it took a bigger body to fit this much badassery in it. Sorry, Church, prepare to be made fun of for it when he wasn’t so pissed about Death Attempt Number Fifty-Three. Tucker’s smirk over their height difference wasn’t even subtlety hidden. Oh, he noticed it, Church. He noticed it.

But…huh. Those goddamn eyes…]

Well, your synthetic life ran out so I guess you’re stuck with being a meat bag for awhile. Eating, drinking, showering, all that shit you don’t think about is your life now, dude. Get used to it.

[He didn’t get into the specifics, the hunger, thirsty, going to the bathroom, the fucking emotions of bullshit. At least he had a lesson in pain already, but wait until he got kicked in the balls; that was a whole new level. He wondered if he could be the first one to show him that…]

Yeah, everyone’s fine. I think Caboose is being babysat by Donut with decorating some of the new buildings, the Reds are off doing whatever it is Reds do, I try not to pay attention. Wash is helping Kimball with reconstruction, and Carolina… [He shrugged a little. That was a little trickier, losing her brother and all.]

How many times did you go over it in your head before you did it? [You really that worried we’d...die?]

[ Knowing that his faith was rewarded released a knot of tension he didn't know he was carrying. Except the way he glossed over Carolina... "Church, I can't lose another family." The words hit him like a punch to the gut. Not even a week after she said that and he went and killed himself to save everyone. Tucker was right, he really was an asshole. He shrugged at the question, still hung up on how hard Carolina was going to hit him when he found her. ]

A few thousand times once I figured out how bad the odds were. The best scenario I could come up with that didn't involve me deleting my memories was that maybe two or three of you would make it with nonfatal injuries.

[ It's a simple statement of facts. ] I know you're pissed but it was the best- [ No. Not best. He worked his jaw for a moment as he tried to think of the best way to say it. ] It was the only way I could guarantee you'd get to see your kid again. That Wash and Carolina wouldn't walk into a bloodbath. I meant it when I said I'd do it again, fucker.

Also I'm going to punch you in the cock, I think one of my teeth is loose because of of you. I've been organic for less than twelve hours and you've already scratched the goddamn paint.

Don't worry; they grow back.

[No, they didn't, but who cared? Tucker was busy thinking back on that fight, on the moment when he realized what exactly Church had done. He remembered the rage, remembered the fucking emptiness of it, the hollow coldness that fell into all of his muscles. He remembered wondering if the others knew or if he needed to tell them, too.

He remembered feeling helpless, unable to stop what had already happened, just like before. Just like with Alpha.

You always fucking leave me in the end, you asshole.

And that was what he hated more than anything at all. ]

I-- fuck, I get it okay? I get why you did it and I probably would've done the same thing. [What bothered him more: the idea of never seeing his kid again, or the horrors that Wash and Carolina would have walked into? What that would have done to them? Shit, he didn't even know.]

But you're going to have to explain this shit to the others, because I'm not. I'm pretty sure the Reds won't care, and Caboose won't understand, but ... Wash and Carolina... [Were different. And while he didn't know the exact history between Wash and Church, he knew enough to recognize that these talks weren't going to be easy.]

Just...don't do this shit again, okay? [His eyes flickered to the side; these sorts of bullshit talks were hard, too.] You've done enough stupid, risky bullshit already; stop hogging all the fun and let one of us have a shot at it next time, okay?

[It's fucking time I saved your ass, okay?]

Trust me, I'm not planning to erase myself ever again. It wasn't fun.

[ And he got the feeling that this was his Last Chance. He'd used up every last life given to him and then something decided to let him have one more. At some point he was going to need to arrange a visit to one of the temples to talk to Santa and see what the fuck happened. Bodies weren't supposed to just happen, especially ones built with neural interfacing built in. ]

I'm not even an AI anymore, anyways. Dr. Grey scanned my brain and I'm fully integrated in here. [ With a tap to his skull to indicate just what he meant. He was alone in his own head for the first time in a long time and it was super goddamn weird. How did he exist without the fragments to keep him company? ]

And I'm pretty sure Carolina is going to break my legs so I can't do anything without her ever again.

[ Which was a very real possibility when his only family was a freelancer with most-resolved anger issues. Still... it was a relief knowing that his death had meant something, that people were affected. Maybe it was stupid selfish bullshit but he'd spent his last moments desperately running numbers and hoping his gamble paid off. ]

You're totally welcome to the self-sacrificial bullshit next time it comes up, no worries.

Good!

[To all of it. To it hurting, to him being a human, to Carolina breaking his legs, to letting Tucker next the bullet (knife) for them. And it was stupid or wrong to be grateful for things like that, but this was this different, this was them, their dysfunctional little standing. Then again, the same could be said for all of them, couldn’t it? Their family wasn’t exactly conventional.

He sat down on the cot, watching him and trying not to reach out and punch him again just to feel if the body was really…real. Human. He was fucking human, a whole new body and experience because that was new. It shouldn’t be possible. Church should be dead.

Tucker looked at him with a skeptical gaze, judging.]

So, what’s it like? You know, other than the whole pain thing, unless you like that sort of thing. Bow chicka bow wow. [And there it was, that assessing and curious look.] Like, you have to figure all this shit out now, don’t you?

Seriously? [ The look he shot Tucker for that was so judgmental. ] I was an AI, not a fucking roomba. It's not like I'm jumping into this whole thing blind.

[ Of course this was undercut by the fact that he kept having to remind himself not to comment about how weird teeth are, how he can't get used to the feeling of heart beating in chest. How the lingering taste of blood in his mouth from getting punched still hadn't gone away. Being human was weird.

The question had merit, though, and Epsilon took his time thinking about it before dropping onto the cot next to Tucker. ]

It's different from the memory unit. Even when I was injured in there I knew it was all fake and that I could reset the scenario if I had to. [ And he tended to gloss over the unnecessary shit. Like eating. ] I feel like I'm... less than before is the big thing. I'm not thinking at AI speeds.

Yeah, but at least a roomba is good at something. [And there it was, that look without the helmet, not just something made of code and numbers but actually had muscle, bone, skin. It was pretty much what he thought it would be, familiar and chastising and totally judgemental, which made him smirk a little.] I mean it cleans and if it's rolling by, you can set your drink on it.

[Except how would you get your drink back...? Minor detail. Whatever, no one cared. He watched Church sit down beside him, felt the cot shift with the added weight, and just-- fuck, it was really him, wasn't it? It was really this asshole back. Breathing. Not transparent and not in armor and not fucking dead.

Caboose was going to lose his mind. ]

Well, I'm not about to start apologizing that you can't reset us or this. [But if he could, would he reset it so he didn't come back? Or just the punch itself? Both? Was he pissed he was here?]

You're not less, though. [Palms found the bed and he leaned back on his arms, eyes looking up. This was getting dangerously close to actual emotions, and Tucker wasn't sure what to do with it.] I mean, your bullshit about synthetic life is pretty much gone, but there are other pretty good perks, too. Like looking at porn and not worrying about if we're going to get a virus from it. That sorta thing.

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