promuseboxing | (no subject)

The signs that something was off in Carolina's body were subtle at first. It had been five years on Barrayar, five long years caught in a war that felt like it would never end. There were little things that made life easier, like the implanted birth control that kept things from getting overly complicated. It was a standard UNSC issue implant, meant to last for years without any sort of upkeep. It was also the kind of thing that was supposed to be replaced a long time ago.

When the symptoms started it was easy to think it was a bug. The nausea was the worst of it, striking at random and at the worst possible times. Then there were the headaches, the dizziness. All of it combined together painted a picture that didn't look good and then spread out over a long enough period of time that after a point Carolina couldn't keep hiding it. York was the first one to notice something was off, of course. But then Wash and Sonia noticed as well and then it was only a matter of time before she gave in and went to see the medic for something to help.

Turns out that what was ailing her was a lot more obvious than she thought. The diagnosis was unexpected, absolutely paralyzing because it was something she had never really considered for herself. Now... sitting in the tent that she shared with York she tried to figure out how to tell him that she was pregnant. Carolina knew he would be happy; York would be a good father. The problem was her and the likelihood that she would ruin a child just like her father had ruined her.

"Dammit..."

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"The medic says I'm probably in the first month." Another eight months or so to figure out what the hell they thought they were doing. What kind of idiot got knocked up in the middle of a war? She reaches out for his hands, needing that grounding touch. He's happy and that goes a long way toward easing her nerves but that doesn't change one important fact.

She's not cut out to be a parent, not with the life she's had.

"They can't tell me much beyond that with the tech level we have access to." No ultrasounds or genetic screening to make sure things would go smoothly. "I guess my implant finally gave up the ghost..."

"And you're already sick? Shit, I hope it gets better out of the first trimester." York squeezes her hands, lifts them to his face and kisses her knuckles before shifting closer and trying to pull her into a hug. She just sounds so worried, he almost feels bad being happy. It's not his body that's going to have to do this.

"If you hadn't replaced it since Freelancer I'm surprised it held out this long. But hey, it's gonna be okay. Humans had plenty of kids before that tech, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. What can I do? I'll go on that epic flower quest if something will help your stomach?"

When York pulls her forward she goes to him willingly, burying her face in the crook of his neck. It feels selfish to take this comfort from him but he's reminded her time and again that it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. Carolina takes a deep breath, trying to steady herself and take some strength from York's assurances.

"I had a new one implanted on Chorus, otherwise this probably would have happened a lot sooner." And wouldn't that have been a disaster. As inconvenient as the timing of this is, Carolina is grateful they've had a chance to figure things out. "Just... keep saying things will be alright and that will be enough." It was going to be the only way to defuse the constant stream of worst-case scenarios that keeps going through her head.

"Things will be alright," he says again at her prompting, threading fingers through her hair to cradle her head. He sounds like he really believes that because he does. They'll be okay. His voice is smooth and steady as he keeps talking, still trying to reassure her.

"I know the timing sucks, I know we didn't plan this, but it's going to be alright. It'll be great. Our kid's gonna have your eyes and my smile and they're going to be the most badass pain in the butt in this camp. I promise. We both know exactly what not to do, we'll figure it out. We're gonna love them like crazy, that's what matters the most, okay?"

And then something else occurs to him, something that makes a huge smile break out on his face and she can hear it in his voice even if she can't see. "Hold on. It's Barrayar... we're gonna have to get married."

The picture he paints is a nice one, much better than the disaster she's been mapping out in her mind. All she's been able to think about is how absent her parents were from her life. Her mother was frequently sent off on deployment during the war and the Director... well, he closed himself off once she died. Children were never something she's thought about except as some far off thing that could eventually happen if things would stop blowing up in their faces for five minutes.

Maybe he's right that things will be okay, if they're together and work together then she might not ruin them too badly.

York's words do a good job of cutting through everything else on her mind like a hot knife through butter. She pulls back enough to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Are you proposing to me right now?"

"I'm already on one knee and everything," he points out, beaming. It's true -- he's still kneeling in front of her, even if he doesn't have a ring or anything. And no idea where he'd go about getting something like that, here and now. All he can do, because it's better than nothing and she deserves a better proposal than his realization about Barrayaran propriety, is reach up and unfasten his dog tags, offering them to her in lieu of a ring. The sentiment is similar, at least.

"Guess I am. I can do a little better, though." York clears his throat, which could just be to lighten the mood except when he speaks again his voice is low and perfectly serious. He means this one. "Carolina, will you marry me?"

The tags are better than any ring he could offer, a little piece of the past they shared when they were younger. A link in a chain that connected the moment they met in Errera to this moment. She's lost him once and no matter the awful things they've seen during the course of the war she can't help but be endlessly grateful to whatever cosmic twist brought them here.

She winds the chain of the tags around her hands and then reaches out to cup York's face carefully, a smile softening the tired lines of her face as she leans in to kiss him.

"Yes, of course I'll marry you." Not for propriety but because she wants it.